Alice and Ebay
by NOIR Blitz
Summary: What really happened to Carlisle and Esme's living room? Will Alice's Ebay addiction kill everyone off?


Disclaimer: I do not own any of the following characters. They are all the property of Stephenie Meyer. I promise they'll be returned unharmed as I am only borrowing them for this story.

Carlisle sighed and pinched the bridge of his nose. Vampires couldn't get headaches although their stomachs could if they didn't feed. Still, it was a human habit he was unable to break. Esme sat in the chair next to him, her eyes glaring daggers at the

three: Bella, Emmett and Alice. The living room, or what was LEFT of it, wouldn't be the same for a very long time. Bella winced as she accidentally cut herself on a broken shard of mirror. Carlisle and Edward clamped an iron hand on each of Jasper's

arms and marched him out the front door. He still needed help overcoming the urge to suck Bella dry each time she had an accident. Esme thought back on how they got to this point. She realized she would need to pry the story out so she went

outside. Since Edward could tell what Emmett and Alice were thinking, she knew how to get to him. "So, Edward. Are you going to keep us waiting a few days before we hear an explanation?" "Um, sorry mom," he stammered. "You see, it all started with

Alice doing her usual Ebay stuff…"

Emmett pulled into the garage, grinning like an idiot. Rosalie had souped up the Ford Expedition with a larger intake for the turbocharger and installed new running boards. Even better, they had gotten the stuff at a steal. It was $200 cheaper on Ebay,

thanks to Alice. Rosalie didn't threaten violence on Emmett because he was able to find a very nice 19th century French mirror for a bargain basement price. Still, he wanted a very good discount so he tracked down the seller and threatened to bite if he

didn't knock another $200 off. Although historians would consider the mirror worth thousands, he paid barely $1,000 for it. Now Rosalie owed HIM for once and that's how she was forced to haul out the tool box and mod his truck.

Alice was surfing like mad. She couldn't stop and now had TWO cargo containers outside crammed with stuff to sell. Carlisle didn't want to know where the pixie had acquired vintage Playgirl magazines and Lladro porcelain figurines that hadn't been

seen for dozens of years. She sold them at ridiculous prices. Alice figured out that selling very cheap caused the price to shoot up fast, bringing bidding wars. She had also run to the local Best Buy to get some ultra-fast hubs for the WiFi connection so

she wouldn't get beaten by snipers. Ebay snipers were bidders who would wait until 5 seconds before an auction ended and beat the price by a few bucks. Alice had received death threats (like THAT would do the other bidders any good) by the

hundreds and the phone wouldn't shut up. Esme was so frustrated that she disconnected all the lines and called the phone company to have their phone number changed – again.

Jasper looked very worried. "Um Alice, isn't that price a bit steep for a used Delorean? I mean, it's tough to find one worth more than $19,000…" She shushed him, never taking her eyes off the screen. She was prepared: there were two laptops on the

desk to her left as backups and she had multiple bank accounts set up so she could get the money faster. In the last 72 hours (for a vampire, 72 hours might as well be five minutes) she had sold enough stuff to fill a cargo container and earned

$19,000. On the OTHER hand, she had foolishly blown $45,000 on all kinds of stuff. She had acquired a car, a new Gucci purse, a silk scoop dress by Ralph Lauren worth $1,000, a barely used Dell laptop, a pair of designer Oakley sunglasses worth $300

and tons of knickknacks from gold-plated spoons and Buffy alarm clocks (morbid vampire joke) to a new turbocharger for her Porsche and even a fancy Saeco coffee maker worth $500. Not that she drank coffee, she just had to have it. Edward and

Emmett were having _too_ much fun rummaging through the stuff and twice, she threatened violence if they broke anything. Every so often, she stomped over to the container and shouted at them for being too rough with the newly purchased items and

then ran back to the computer to check on the 20+ other items she was bidding on. The UPS and Fedex trucks were coming every hour and it got to the point where someone had to stand next to the containers to sign for the stuff. That, naturally, was

Bella. She was now mad at Alice because she had to move all the crap Alice won and it wasn't doing wonders for her back. Worse, she was burning off all the calories from lunch and was starving. Edward was no help because he was too curious about

all the knickknacks Alice had bought. He saw some stuff that HE felt he could use and was fighting Emmett for possession of it. They ignored Alice when she angrily warned them that the stuff was for sale. She had put two signs on the containers: one

said "Sell" and the other said "Bought." It didn't stop them from rummaging through both containers.

Bella's arms felt like bricks because she had to move so much stuff. She had enough. She stomped into the living room and shouted "ALICE! You've got to stop!!" Alice shushed her, not even taking her eyes off the laptop to her left while she typed in a

bid for the item on the computer in front of her. Bella gave up and angrily marched back outside because ANOTHER UPS truck had pulled into the driveway. Worse, her father had dropped by because of angry complaints about the line of delivery trucks

entering and leaving Forks. Half the town was now demanding that Alice be stopped at all costs. She didn't have to worry. What could Charlie do? Arrest her? He'd be lucky if his two strongest deputies could even stop her from TYPING. Also, the clack-

clack-clack of the keyboard was driving Bella nuts. She saw one of the stupid X-mas snow globes Alice was selling and threw it at her in frustration. It bounced off the back of her head. Alice didn't even notice. Bella marched outside in frustration. Jasper

was working extra hard flooding her mind with calming energy waves but they didn't work as effectively as they usually did.

Jasper sighed and approached Alice. "Um Alice, sweetie. Don't you think it's time to quit?" "Not now Jazz, this is just awesome. Just five minutes and I'll beat out that sucker on that Vertu phone." Jasper was about to try a different approach when the

front door came crashing down. Bella didn't even try to stop the huge kangaroo as it jumped through the opening and landed on the coffee table. Edward covered his face in dismay; Rosalie stared, wondering how kangaroo blood would taste; Emmett

shouted "Awesome!" and Jasper tried to flood Alice with feelings of regret. Jasper failed miserably. Alice ignored Edward's howls of frustration as the kitchen was being trashed as the kangaroo knocked over a Waterford vase, broke a window and kicked

a hole in one of the cupboards. It bounced up the staircase into Rosalie's room. Rosalie couldn't take it any longer and chased it down. Alice heard the kangaroo struggling as she drained it of blood. Finally, Alice was distracted. "Rosalie!! You leave MY

kangaroo alone! That's my snack!" Jasper and Edward seized the opportunity. Edward crushed the modems while Jasper stomped on the laptops and CPU. Alice came charging back downstairs before she heard ANOTHER slurping sound. She froze and

ran back upstairs, howling in anger. She was way too late. Rosalie thought the kangaroo's blood was delicious and drank almost every drop. Alice stomped downstairs, hoping another was up for auction through the black market sellers.

Without warning, Bella was flung through the doorway, her clothes in tatters. Edward couldn't believe his eyes. Alice had bought not one but TWO buffalo. One broke out of the zoo van while the other charged straight through the door. The first buffalo

ran down the road. A certain Mike Newton would be missing for a few days because he had to see the proctologist. The second buffalo charged through the living room, leaving a huge hole in the wall. Alice finally came back with the buffalo tucked under

her arm as if were a stuffed animal. She punched it, knocking it out and tied it up. Now she had a new problem: Rosalie. Where the frig does one hide a 250-lb buffalo from a thirsty vampire sister? Still holding the buffalo, she ran into the woods, trying

to find a wide enough tree.

Satisfied, Alice covered the hiding spot with plenty of leaves and walked back, using a broom to cover her tracks. She didn't know Rosalie and Emmett wouldn't be deterred easily. Rosalie had swiped her husband's Ford and

was bouncing it through the back lot. Little did Alice know that Rosalie had carefully tracked down all her hiding places over the years so she knew almost half of those locations and was betting her chances were pretty good. Luck was on her side. Alice

had a vision – and didn't like what she saw one bit. She ran as fast as she could. She was too late: slllluuurp! Rosalie patted her stomach. Damn, the buffalo was tasty. She seriously thought about a few flights to Australia for some kangaroo blood. Alice

howled in dismay and threw Rosalie through several trees before stomping back home. Rosalie didn't care because the buffalo was so delicious she didn't care that badly that her hair was messed up. Unfortunately, the OTHER buffalo could be heard for

miles when she chased it through the forest so the park ranger had been called. The park ranger didn't know what to do so he called Charlie, who then sent all of his deputies with tranquilizer guns. They shot it several times but it still managed to injure

two of them so naturally, Carlisle would run into them in his hospital sooner or later. That's when one deputy brought in on a gurney moaned in pain about the "damn buffalos." This caught Carlisle's attention and only one thing came to mind: Alice. He

quickly treated the deputy and drove home, knowing that Charlie couldn't pull him over for speeding: the buffalos had knocked out 98% of Forks' police department anyway. And that was how he wound up with Emmett and Alice in the ransacked living

room with a huge hole, a missing front door, the computer on fire, a cargo container of stuff spilling onto the street, a Fedex delivery man waiting for a signature on a package from Fucking, Austria (a/n: an Austrian told me it's pronounced foo-king and

yes, it's a real town!), lizards jumping onto Esme's couch and Bella wrapped in a towel because the buffalos had ripped most of her clothes off when they stampeded through the house. Carlisle even tracked down the address for Ebay's main server and

sent them a few threatening phone calls so that they would shut down all of Alice's usernames. It would be a long time before Alice was allowed near a computer again.

A/N: Please read and review. Constructive criticism appreciated too. Thanks!


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